Jake the Snake

“… didn’t look quite right,”

Part of my morning commute includes an (at times) leisurely one mile walk from the U of I soccer fields to the VA hospital. Usually lost in thought I must be careful not to blindly step into traffic or crash into my fellow walkers but one-time a few summers ago while on my trek, I noticed something in the grass that, “didn’t look quite right.” 

Taking a closer look, I realized that laying there in a lazy-eight coil was a snake. It was good-sized too, at least 12-15 inches long. I instinctively recoiled at the sight of the reptile with a primeval fight or flight reaction but after I caught my breath and took a closer look, I realized it was nothing but a harmless garter snake. I thought about how beautiful – in a grotesque way and so well camouflaged it was – just inches away from a heavily traveled sidewalk. 

Nearly invisible to the unwary, the serpent’s yellow, red, and black stripes blended in with the grass and shadows of an early summer morning. Had it been venomous I was well within striking distance, but it was more interested in warming itself in the growing heat of the day than biting me! 

How many people had walked by him not knowing they had come so close to a real snake in the grass? I then christened him (her?) ‘Jake No-Shoulders’ and continued my way to work with just a little lighter step. 

Cool Points

Keep in mind I'm not a snake guy. I don't go out of my way to handle them, but I have in the past - mostly so I wouldn't lose cool points in my younger days. I've eaten snake meat too and yes, it does taste a little like chicken. Once I even drank cobra blood mixed with Thai whiskey. Fun, different, but nothing I'd go out of my way to do again.

Having traveled extensively in the tropics, I’ve seen all sorts of “Nope Ropes,” hanging from tree limbs like plump sausages or gliding effortlessly through the ocean. Mostly, however, if snakes left me alone, I left them alone and happily observe them from a distance.

 

Woody get the snake bite kit!

Even in ‘Murica I encountered snakes when I least expected it – harmless and venomous. While rock climbing in Western North Carolina many years ago, a buddy was hanging off a rock face trying to find another handhold when he accidentally grabbed a coral snake that had been hanging out on the crags. Luckily, he was able to quickly move his hand away from the pissed off snake to avoid a bite – and avoided becoming a lawn dart!

Another time I watched in fascination as a rat snake effortlessly climbed a pine tree in search of its next meal. I can only imagine how many I walked past and didn’t even know.

Snakes on a plane

GIs, especially infantry grunts tend to do some really dumb stuff, like the time we went to the desert in California, a young sky-soldier caught a sidewinder rattlesnake and was intent on bringing it back to Fort Bragg in his shaving kit. He’d tied a string around it and was taking it for a “walk” before our flight, not sure if he actually got it on the airplane but I made sure I was nowhere near him as we loaded the aircraft! 

Phase III 

During of my special forces training, we students were conducting our final exams by training and leading ersatz guerrillas in a revolt against the pseudo “occupying army” in Pineland – actually the Uwharrie National Forest. Our student team leader had given us some final instructions and spun on his heel to walk back to the front of the patrol when I saw something that, “didn’t look quite right,” I grabbed him by the shoulder and stopped him inches away from walking face first into a very large snake draped over a low hanging branch. The Captain’s eyes got as big as saucers as he stammered his thanks and sidestepped around the now angry Snakey McSnake-face – we all gave the snake a wide berth and moved out.

In Group

Once as we were returning from Thailand we’d landed at Elmendorf airbase in Alaska to clear customs and immigration. While waiting to be processed, I went to the restroom and bumped into one of our support guys who had been given a juvenile reticulated python by a Thai counterpart and was trying to smuggle the beast back to the states. Through a sleight of hand he was able to get past the customs agent with the snake stowed under his fatigue jacket and brought the serpent to the States. Legend has it that he sold it for $500.00! 

On the Rock

On Okinawa, there are poisonous snakes inhabiting the island – the Habu pit viper is the most notable. American  Forces Entertainment Network (AFEN) frequently had PSAs to remind the dumb americans to leave this snake alone. My only encounter with the Habu besides road kill and the very disturbing Habu-Sake was once while on a patrol in the CTA (Central Training Area) our entire patrol walked past a juvenile habu that had struck at every one of us without success before our lane grader noticed him. Tom, our medic wanted to catch it for some reason but we were able to convince him to leave it alone. 

 

Back to Iowa…. 

In the following days after I discovered him, I looked for Jake, but he wasn’t there. Disappointed at his absence, I kept a look out for him and a couple days later there he was, in the exact same spot. Obviously, a territorial creature, most days he was hanging out l in the same place during the growing heat of the day. It became a habit for me to look for Jake in the grass and many days that summer I was pleasantly surprised to find him hanging out in his spot in the tall grass. 

One afternoon on the way back to the car, I thought to take a picture of Jake to share on social media, but it was then that I noticed groundskeepers edging and mowing the grass around the soccer field. “Uh-oh.” The grass and weeds had been given a severe buzz cut and a few feet from Jake’s now decimated lair was a snake carcass that had gotten thoroughly demolished by a weed eater. Damn, Jake got whacked. 

On the rest of my trek, I pondered how this creature had successfully coexisted with humans for so long – right up until someone with an aversion to snakes and a power tool got involved. 

Sorry Jake.